I’m going to label people numbers in this story and not use names.

I talked with Person #1 and was told they had to talk to Person #2. I waited and then was told by Person #1 that neither could do anything.

Person #3 wants to talk because “they want to help”. Nothing but hate spewed from them. I didn’t feel safe.

Person #4 comes along. I’m hesitant of Person #4. I remember how Persons 1-3 treated me and the situation.

I came off mean and full of hate to Person #4. Person #3 had hate towards me. Because Person #2 and #3 gave wrong information.

Once you clear the air it’s amazing what can be done.

I stopped treating Person #4 like the others. I admit it was wrong of me to do that. But after I explained to Person #4 they stopped treating me like that and admitted he was wrong.

It’s amazing how much clout that you carry over what someone says.

Now I’m not one to hate someone just cause my friends told me to. No, I figure it out on my own and make my own decision.

Just remember to treat those the way you want to be treated.

Don’t carry clout from someone else. Just be you.

To be honest the only place I’m afraid to pee is at a rest stop. Particular ones that looks like Michael will be swiping my purse from under the stall to steal my car.

Okay maybe second place I’m afraid to pee was on the side of the road. Hey!! Yes I had to stop on a windy road along no where USA and rest stop was 100+ miles away and my mice brain size bladder wasn’t having that. So I stopped, waited for cars to pass, and had at it.

Oh wait that one time…. yup at  rest stop I didn’t see the rattle snakes sign. Heard them. Didn’t register. Went pee. Registered. Ran back to the car…

I’ve been to gay bars and peed. I’ve been to an LGBT bar and peed. I’ve been on a ship and peed guess what with a guy in the next stall. Did I worry? No, well okay on the ship cause standing water what about bacteria mom.

I’ve peed next to woman, next to men, next to girls, next to boys, next to M2F, next to F2M with no problems. Okay maybe my sons when they were little but who hasn’t had someone little kid try to escape from under the door. It’s hard to pee and try to stop the escape.

But I’m not afraid to pee next to anyone as long as there is a door. I mean in a public restroom who cares if either sex mixes. Just use the stal, close the door, and wash your hands.

PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS!!

The new law in North Carolina is making headlines for it’s new law about gender and bathroom. Maybe it’s the several sociology classes concentrating in sexual deviance that has me thinking the bathroom isn’t the place to be afraid.

Target has people banning itself due to it’s gender neutral bathroom. But hey what if I want to take my son it with me… well I can’t with North Carolinas new law. But I also have to say I don’t think anyone has been arrested yet for this bathroom law. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

There are other bigger concerns out there. Sexual assault is a large concern. But concentrating on what could happen versus what is happening. College sexual assault and military sexual assaults are a huge problem.

I’m a survivor not afraid to pee.

So let’s concentrate on the bigger issues and not the bladder issue.

I’ve been trying to do positive thoughts.

Some poison entered my husband’s and mines life. And to strengthen me I decided to do a positive thought of the day.

I have found it’s too easy to allow the negatively to consume me so to help stop it a positive thought about me a day.

Do you do positive thoughts?

Lately I’ve been having very bad panic attacks.

I don’t usually tell anyone when I’ve had a flashback or trigger. I’m so rolled up into the emotional drainage that I don’t want to bring it back up again.

I was going good. I was put on new medicine. I hadn’t had a flashback in a week. I was trying to adjust a mood for various reasons. And bam I was hit by a trigger.

I needed my husband. All I could tell him was his wife emotionally needed him. I couldn’t tell him “hey I was reminded of that time I was assaulted”. That would have been easy.  But it was still rolling through my mind trying to consume me and all I could think was I want my husband’s arms around me.

It honestly took this weekend of me once again emotionally breaking down for my husband to realize that Fallon is poison to me.

He knew I was having a hard time but he didn’t know the exact extent.

I’m so used to bottling it up that I don’t open up as often as I need to. This is something I did since I was a child having a strict mother strict is me being nice.

I know I should talk about what happened to me more. Perhaps it would be good for me and perhaps it would be good for my friends and family to realize what happened.

I’m hoping this new medicine will help with the flashbacks and triggers. And no I do not write them down. I tried in the beginning and found it to not be helpful. I’d just end up in tears.

I’m trying to get better. And hoping to get out of Fallon soon as it has set me back.

Our lovely 2008 VW GTI. I found out in San Francisco that there was a radiator leak. My husband ordered a new one. Well he didn’t have time to fix it and this car is my daily drive right now.

So… I took out the radiator.

Now you have to take off the front bumper and a few other things to get to the radiator. You then have to unscrew the AC and fan from the radiator. I pulled it to the side to replace it.

Horrifying my husband when he came home for lunch and saw his car like this.

I began putting the car back together. Only I had a tiny issue… I wasn’t strong enough to do 2 things. Wait for my husband to come home and he was strong enough. It was getting dark so I put half the bumper back on.

The next day I tackled the rest.

But I left the flushing to my husband. But yes I did this basically on my own.

My dream car is my VW Cabriolet. I was lucky to find one before we left Washington. I’d like to say Washington is the capital of Volkswagen in the USA.

I’ve had to replace a few things. Of course I would.

This was the first part I replaced on my own. When my husband was driving my car in Sparks it fell off. It’s fallen off before but this time it was gone.

No one told me how dirty it would be to replace that part… now that part let’s me shift the car. If I didn’t have it I wouldn’t be able to find first, second, etc. I could sorta find forth lol.

It took some effort but I was able to, okay I used a wrench for extra force, to get it on.

I went to Sparks and as I was heading back my car stalled on the interstate. I got it started but it stalled again. Sorry person I cut off to get over. But I was in the middle lane and ugh… I finally stop and well… $300 tow.

The next day my husband said check the fuel pump.

The one under the back seat.

Wait!!

Make sure you disable the battery!!

Then just wonder how to get this thing off…

Google! Yes Google. Google is my best friend.

Get angry. Cause this thing was stuck. Took a screwdriver and hammer to get it to twist. Then you lift it up.

Be careful! When I pulled it out the screen fell off. I had to fish it out. Kitchen tongs came in handy for this.

Then just look at the 1987 part. German… Stare at it with hatred. Then figure out how to get another one…

This song is by Lady Gaga and it’s called Til It Happens To You.

I learned about this song after the 88th Annual Academy Awards. When she performed this song and had people who have survived a sexual assault walk on stage. They had words written on their wrists.

But did you know that each person and Lady Gaga got a tattoo? A matching tattoo.

The wonderful Jacqueline Lin designed this tattoo and she was one of the 50 survivors on the stage that night. If you visit her site you will see the reason behind the tattoo.

After having my Naval doctor denying me to get a scar by the person who assaulted me removed. I decided to get this tattoo to cover it up. I actually thought it would bleed. But HE was by my side and I didn’t bleed. The tattoo artist was surprised I didn’t bleed.

At the same time I got a semicolon tattoo.

A semicolon tattoo. After being assaulted I was diagnosed with PTSD. Struggling with anxiety and depression. Well I’m THE author of my own life.

Suicide due to depression is a HUGE deal.

If you need someone to talk to I’m here.

I got these 2 tattoos on a visible place because I won’t hide what happened to me and what I’m going through. Because I’M NOT ALONE.

I’m not alone. There are others out there.

You’re not alone.

I have come to hate living in Fallon. It’s actually made my PTSD worse.

I developed agoraphobia. I do not like leaving our home. I actually have to take a Valium before I go to base (trigger). And I’m perfectly happy staying at home.

I developed clinomania. I barely get out of bed. I prefer to just stay in bed. The bed is my comfort zone.

I have allergies so going outside hurts. You’ll think I’m crying but it’s ragweed. I wipe the tears down my cheek but try to leave my eyes alone.

And sometimes I want to shout curse words at people. So I started saying bless your heart.

When I say “bless your heart” be sure not to take it word for word. But I’m using that to vent my frustration and curse words in a more pleasant manner.

Thursday nights I watch Grey’s, Scandal, and HTGAWM. Also known as Shonda night.

When my shows started it was the first time I watched a local channel since the Presidential elections started. And the first commercial I saw was Hillary Clinton.

And if by that commercial alone. I’d vote for her.

Then I saw the one with the little girl saying she was afraid because her parents got a deportation letter. And Hillary Clinton said to let her worry for the child. That commercial got Hillary Clinton a lot of votes.

Her commercials of all the things she has done. Power to the women!!

Then I see a Trump commercial. Basically get rid of illegal immigrants.
Then I see a Bernie commercial. Basically I love America.

And then I see 3 Hillary commercials and I’m all I’m voting for her!!!

But then I remember Beghazi. And the fact that I don’t register to vote.

I don’t vote because I don’t believe in the electoral college voting. Your vote doesn’t count when it comes to the President. The people you voted for who cast their electoral college vote votes for them.

I only voted twice in my life. Then learned about the electoral college voting system and stopped voting. I won’t vote until my vote counts for the Presidential election.

But seriously Hillary is spot on with her commercials. Just don’t forget about Beghazi.

Last week my phone decided to die.

I was playing a game on my Samsung S5 Active and the screen when black. When I mean black I mean BLANK.

So I thought maybe my battery was dead. I am infamous for not charging my phone and tablet. So I put it on the charger. The light didn’t come on.

Okay here comes Google. I Googled what to do if my phone wouldn’t turn on. So power, home, and up volume buttons pressed together. Didn’t work. Power, home, and down volume pressed together didn’t work. So I ordered a new battery. Because OF COURSE my phone was 5 months past the warranty. And I had to wait for the battery to ship.

For Valentines Day my husband and I went out to eat. And as I was sitting there looking around I saw a lot of people with their phone out. They were texting, playing a game, or doing something, but they weren’t looking up. They weren’t looking around at what was around them. Their phone was more important than life.

I admit that I use my phone a lot. I have a saying that my friends live in my phone. My best friend lives in Indiana. My oldest sister lives in Georgia, the other sister lives in Indiana. Getting in touch with my kids. And I can admit that I have had phone withdrawal.

But without having my phone seeing how people are so attached. I have been glad I haven’t had my phone around.

I could have a conversation with my husband without looking at my phone. I wasn’t constantly bombarded by emails. I had to go to my computer to look at them.

I am looking forward to getting my new phone. A Samsung S6 Active. If you wonder why an Active phone you should see how much I drop my phone.

But please remember every now and again to put down your phone.