Lately I’ve been having very bad panic attacks.

I don’t usually tell anyone when I’ve had a flashback or trigger. I’m so rolled up into the emotional drainage that I don’t want to bring it back up again.

I was going good. I was put on new medicine. I hadn’t had a flashback in a week. I was trying to adjust a mood for various reasons. And bam I was hit by a trigger.

I needed my husband. All I could tell him was his wife emotionally needed him. I couldn’t tell him “hey I was reminded of that time I was assaulted”. That would have been easy.  But it was still rolling through my mind trying to consume me and all I could think was I want my husband’s arms around me.

It honestly took this weekend of me once again emotionally breaking down for my husband to realize that Fallon is poison to me.

He knew I was having a hard time but he didn’t know the exact extent.

I’m so used to bottling it up that I don’t open up as often as I need to. This is something I did since I was a child having a strict mother strict is me being nice.

I know I should talk about what happened to me more. Perhaps it would be good for me and perhaps it would be good for my friends and family to realize what happened.

I’m hoping this new medicine will help with the flashbacks and triggers. And no I do not write them down. I tried in the beginning and found it to not be helpful. I’d just end up in tears.

I’m trying to get better. And hoping to get out of Fallon soon as it has set me back.