Our lovely 2008 VW GTI. I found out in San Francisco that there was a radiator leak. My husband ordered a new one. Well he didn’t have time to fix it and this car is my daily drive right now.

So… I took out the radiator.

Now you have to take off the front bumper and a few other things to get to the radiator. You then have to unscrew the AC and fan from the radiator. I pulled it to the side to replace it.

Horrifying my husband when he came home for lunch and saw his car like this.

I began putting the car back together. Only I had a tiny issue… I wasn’t strong enough to do 2 things. Wait for my husband to come home and he was strong enough. It was getting dark so I put half the bumper back on.

The next day I tackled the rest.

But I left the flushing to my husband. But yes I did this basically on my own.

My dream car is my VW Cabriolet. I was lucky to find one before we left Washington. I’d like to say Washington is the capital of Volkswagen in the USA.

I’ve had to replace a few things. Of course I would.

This was the first part I replaced on my own. When my husband was driving my car in Sparks it fell off. It’s fallen off before but this time it was gone.

No one told me how dirty it would be to replace that part… now that part let’s me shift the car. If I didn’t have it I wouldn’t be able to find first, second, etc. I could sorta find forth lol.

It took some effort but I was able to, okay I used a wrench for extra force, to get it on.

I went to Sparks and as I was heading back my car stalled on the interstate. I got it started but it stalled again. Sorry person I cut off to get over. But I was in the middle lane and ugh… I finally stop and well… $300 tow.

The next day my husband said check the fuel pump.

The one under the back seat.

Wait!!

Make sure you disable the battery!!

Then just wonder how to get this thing off…

Google! Yes Google. Google is my best friend.

Get angry. Cause this thing was stuck. Took a screwdriver and hammer to get it to twist. Then you lift it up.

Be careful! When I pulled it out the screen fell off. I had to fish it out. Kitchen tongs came in handy for this.

Then just look at the 1987 part. German… Stare at it with hatred. Then figure out how to get another one…

This song is by Lady Gaga and it’s called Til It Happens To You.

I learned about this song after the 88th Annual Academy Awards. When she performed this song and had people who have survived a sexual assault walk on stage. They had words written on their wrists.

But did you know that each person and Lady Gaga got a tattoo? A matching tattoo.

The wonderful Jacqueline Lin designed this tattoo and she was one of the 50 survivors on the stage that night. If you visit her site you will see the reason behind the tattoo.

After having my Naval doctor denying me to get a scar by the person who assaulted me removed. I decided to get this tattoo to cover it up. I actually thought it would bleed. But HE was by my side and I didn’t bleed. The tattoo artist was surprised I didn’t bleed.

At the same time I got a semicolon tattoo.

A semicolon tattoo. After being assaulted I was diagnosed with PTSD. Struggling with anxiety and depression. Well I’m THE author of my own life.

Suicide due to depression is a HUGE deal.

If you need someone to talk to I’m here.

I got these 2 tattoos on a visible place because I won’t hide what happened to me and what I’m going through. Because I’M NOT ALONE.

I’m not alone. There are others out there.

You’re not alone.

I have come to hate living in Fallon. It’s actually made my PTSD worse.

I developed agoraphobia. I do not like leaving our home. I actually have to take a Valium before I go to base (trigger). And I’m perfectly happy staying at home.

I developed clinomania. I barely get out of bed. I prefer to just stay in bed. The bed is my comfort zone.

I have allergies so going outside hurts. You’ll think I’m crying but it’s ragweed. I wipe the tears down my cheek but try to leave my eyes alone.

And sometimes I want to shout curse words at people. So I started saying bless your heart.

When I say “bless your heart” be sure not to take it word for word. But I’m using that to vent my frustration and curse words in a more pleasant manner.

Thursday nights I watch Grey’s, Scandal, and HTGAWM. Also known as Shonda night.

When my shows started it was the first time I watched a local channel since the Presidential elections started. And the first commercial I saw was Hillary Clinton.

And if by that commercial alone. I’d vote for her.

Then I saw the one with the little girl saying she was afraid because her parents got a deportation letter. And Hillary Clinton said to let her worry for the child. That commercial got Hillary Clinton a lot of votes.

Her commercials of all the things she has done. Power to the women!!

Then I see a Trump commercial. Basically get rid of illegal immigrants.
Then I see a Bernie commercial. Basically I love America.

And then I see 3 Hillary commercials and I’m all I’m voting for her!!!

But then I remember Beghazi. And the fact that I don’t register to vote.

I don’t vote because I don’t believe in the electoral college voting. Your vote doesn’t count when it comes to the President. The people you voted for who cast their electoral college vote votes for them.

I only voted twice in my life. Then learned about the electoral college voting system and stopped voting. I won’t vote until my vote counts for the Presidential election.

But seriously Hillary is spot on with her commercials. Just don’t forget about Beghazi.

Last week my phone decided to die.

I was playing a game on my Samsung S5 Active and the screen when black. When I mean black I mean BLANK.

So I thought maybe my battery was dead. I am infamous for not charging my phone and tablet. So I put it on the charger. The light didn’t come on.

Okay here comes Google. I Googled what to do if my phone wouldn’t turn on. So power, home, and up volume buttons pressed together. Didn’t work. Power, home, and down volume pressed together didn’t work. So I ordered a new battery. Because OF COURSE my phone was 5 months past the warranty. And I had to wait for the battery to ship.

For Valentines Day my husband and I went out to eat. And as I was sitting there looking around I saw a lot of people with their phone out. They were texting, playing a game, or doing something, but they weren’t looking up. They weren’t looking around at what was around them. Their phone was more important than life.

I admit that I use my phone a lot. I have a saying that my friends live in my phone. My best friend lives in Indiana. My oldest sister lives in Georgia, the other sister lives in Indiana. Getting in touch with my kids. And I can admit that I have had phone withdrawal.

But without having my phone seeing how people are so attached. I have been glad I haven’t had my phone around.

I could have a conversation with my husband without looking at my phone. I wasn’t constantly bombarded by emails. I had to go to my computer to look at them.

I am looking forward to getting my new phone. A Samsung S6 Active. If you wonder why an Active phone you should see how much I drop my phone.

But please remember every now and again to put down your phone.

 

 

I’ve been in a deep depression since moving to Fallon, thank you PTSD.

A lot of my PTSD symptoms returned. But the 2 biggest things were: I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t want to eat.

I began making smoothies and putting things in the smoothies to help with the no eating.
The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed was a combination of things. I would get panic attacks just shopping at the Walmart. And since having PTSD I now shake when I have a panic attack. But in honesty if you saw me you’d think I had Parkinsons.

My mental health person asked if I wanted to try Seroquel XR. Seroquel XR is a medicine used for people with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. Now I have neither. But one of Seroquel XR’s side effects is an increased appetite. The other is being sleepy. And I am having troubles sleeping.

I’m the girl that I will try anything once.

First night of Seroquel XR is awesome. I slept like the dead. I had also upped some other medicine because my night terrors like to move the bed over by 3″.

Second night, not so lucky. It took longer to go to sleep. So I thought okay next day take rearrange the order I take my medicines.

Third night I decided to just call myself Sleepless in Fallon.

Fourth night I upped the dosage of Seroquel XR. But this lovely air crew had come into town. They thought it was SO TOTALLY AWESOME to do low flybys over our house we don’t live near the airfield so there was no excuse. My husband said we should get an I ❤ jet noise sticker for my car. The jet noise was triggering me and I had begun with what I refer to as shaking but also known as tremors.

The fifth night the same upped dosage. Within a half hour of taking the medicine the shaking began. If I try to fight it, my muscles hurt. But my legs, arms, and head where shaking. I got up to go tell my husband. I had a hard time talking to him. I was basically back to the point where I was when I was first diagnosed with PTSD.

I decided that night I was done with Seroquel XR.

The next day I woke up groggy. Like I was in a fog. I walked really slow, my husband said I shuffled. I took 2 cups of coffee because I was trying to shake the Seroquel XR off. I had decided on the fourth night to detox, and I use IT Works Greens to detox. I upped my water in take because I had an extreme case of cotton mouth. I will say the Seroquel XR increased my appetite. But I also felt that my sugar levels were down.

We went grocery shopping. And I had a hard time connecting the dots in my head. I was struggling to say things to my husband. He would walk normally and I would ask him to wait up. Then I was just like forget it he can find me and went off on my own. At check out I grabbed 2 large Red Bull happens I’m not allergic to Red Bull go wings!.

I downed about half of it and went to the NEX. My husband said I was returning back to normal. Then chuckled that I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. But it took 16oz of Red Bull to bring me back to my normal self.

With me and my lovely sociology background I started to feel sorry for people with schizophrenia that need to take this medicine. And I now have a complete understanding why a lot of them stop taking the medicine. I wouldn’t like to be under a constant fog and not be myself.

I will say while taking the Seroquel XR my OCD disappeared. I no longer felt the compulsion to do the things I normally do, but I still did them any ways. I’ve lived with OCD practically my whole life and have learned to manage it without medication. And hey my husband likes that I carry hand sanitizer with me lol.

So now it’s on to finding a new medicine. Finding something that can make Elle, me, happy.

It’s not easy living with PTSD. It is something I struggle with every day. But one thing I do have is hope. I am planning on getting an ; tattoo later on.

 

I was born in Franklin, Indiana and grew up in Whiteland, Indiana. I looked up the Census data and the population of Whiteland in 1980s was 1,956.

Whiteland does not have a hospital and at the time I was born Johnson County Memorial Hospital was the closest which is located in Franklin, Indiana.

I grew up around corn, pigs, and cows. I was a member of the FFA and know my way around a barn and certain farm equipment. It was one of those towns that if you did something it wouldn’t be long for your parent to hear about it.

I graduated high school in 1997. I looked up the Census data and the population for Whiteland in the 1990s was 2,446.

The estimated population for Whiteland in 2014 is 4,303.

Now let’s look at Fallon, where I currently live.

In 1980 the population was 6,438
In 1990 the population was 7,536
The estimated population for 2014 is 8,349

My husband and I went to a thrift store when he commented that Fallon is bigger than the town he grew up with. And I have to agree Fallon is bigger than the town I grew up in. It’s why I looked up the Census data to see if my assumption was correct and it is.

Fallon has a few more things than the town I grew up in has. Of course Nevada is known for casinos and there are several in this town. There is a Super Walmart, Big 5, Big R (ranch store), and some other things.

I will admit that the population of Fallon is large due to a military presence. TOPGUN was relocated to Fallon. And we honestly wouldn’t be living here if it wasn’t due to the military.

I’ve always rolled my eyes when someone local would tell me that Fallon is a small rural farming community. No darling I grew up in a small rural farming community.

I have found several of the farmers here set in their ways and nonwelcoming. And it is hard to find a job here.

I am struggling finding a way to live here and of course in that struggle and my sociology background looking up the reasons why besides the obvious of Fallon being so isolated.

It’s a half hour to get to Fernley, an hour to get to Carson City or Sparks/Reno. And it’s about 110 miles to get to the next town east, which I haven’t tried to get there.

The City of Fallon is not welcoming to certain things. Just look at Walmart sitting out near the edge of town. My main question I want to know is if the military moved out of Fallon how would Fallon fair? This is a note to those local people who don’t treat new people well. If new people didn’t come how much would the economy in Fallon drop.

Today I can admit that I’m not strong enough.

I probably wasn’t strong enough yesterday but I made it through the day and here I am today.

I might not be strong enough again tomorrow but I’ll take it like the day before. Because I made it through that day to get there.

Because I have hope.

I have hope that one day I won’t have a flashback. I have hope that the triggers that I have that set me off will go away. I have hope that one day I say I don’t have PTSD any more.

Because I have love.

I have love from my husband. I have love from my kids. I have love from my sisters. I have love from my best friend. I have love from my fur babies.

Because I have creativity.

I have creativity with Legos. I have creativity with knitting and crocheting. I have creativity with painting.

So while today I may not feel like I’m strong enough. Tomorrow I may. And I will wait for the day where I will feel strong enough. And that day will be mine.