I’ve been in a deep depression since moving to Fallon, thank you PTSD.

A lot of my PTSD symptoms returned. But the 2 biggest things were: I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t want to eat.

I began making smoothies and putting things in the smoothies to help with the no eating.
The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed was a combination of things. I would get panic attacks just shopping at the Walmart. And since having PTSD I now shake when I have a panic attack. But in honesty if you saw me you’d think I had Parkinsons.

My mental health person asked if I wanted to try Seroquel XR. Seroquel XR is a medicine used for people with schizophrenia and bipolar disorders. Now I have neither. But one of Seroquel XR’s side effects is an increased appetite. The other is being sleepy. And I am having troubles sleeping.

I’m the girl that I will try anything once.

First night of Seroquel XR is awesome. I slept like the dead. I had also upped some other medicine because my night terrors like to move the bed over by 3″.

Second night, not so lucky. It took longer to go to sleep. So I thought okay next day take rearrange the order I take my medicines.

Third night I decided to just call myself Sleepless in Fallon.

Fourth night I upped the dosage of Seroquel XR. But this lovely air crew had come into town. They thought it was SO TOTALLY AWESOME to do low flybys over our house we don’t live near the airfield so there was no excuse. My husband said we should get an I ❤ jet noise sticker for my car. The jet noise was triggering me and I had begun with what I refer to as shaking but also known as tremors.

The fifth night the same upped dosage. Within a half hour of taking the medicine the shaking began. If I try to fight it, my muscles hurt. But my legs, arms, and head where shaking. I got up to go tell my husband. I had a hard time talking to him. I was basically back to the point where I was when I was first diagnosed with PTSD.

I decided that night I was done with Seroquel XR.

The next day I woke up groggy. Like I was in a fog. I walked really slow, my husband said I shuffled. I took 2 cups of coffee because I was trying to shake the Seroquel XR off. I had decided on the fourth night to detox, and I use IT Works Greens to detox. I upped my water in take because I had an extreme case of cotton mouth. I will say the Seroquel XR increased my appetite. But I also felt that my sugar levels were down.

We went grocery shopping. And I had a hard time connecting the dots in my head. I was struggling to say things to my husband. He would walk normally and I would ask him to wait up. Then I was just like forget it he can find me and went off on my own. At check out I grabbed 2 large Red Bull happens I’m not allergic to Red Bull go wings!.

I downed about half of it and went to the NEX. My husband said I was returning back to normal. Then chuckled that I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. But it took 16oz of Red Bull to bring me back to my normal self.

With me and my lovely sociology background I started to feel sorry for people with schizophrenia that need to take this medicine. And I now have a complete understanding why a lot of them stop taking the medicine. I wouldn’t like to be under a constant fog and not be myself.

I will say while taking the Seroquel XR my OCD disappeared. I no longer felt the compulsion to do the things I normally do, but I still did them any ways. I’ve lived with OCD practically my whole life and have learned to manage it without medication. And hey my husband likes that I carry hand sanitizer with me lol.

So now it’s on to finding a new medicine. Finding something that can make Elle, me, happy.

It’s not easy living with PTSD. It is something I struggle with every day. But one thing I do have is hope. I am planning on getting an ; tattoo later on.

 

I was born in Franklin, Indiana and grew up in Whiteland, Indiana. I looked up the Census data and the population of Whiteland in 1980s was 1,956.

Whiteland does not have a hospital and at the time I was born Johnson County Memorial Hospital was the closest which is located in Franklin, Indiana.

I grew up around corn, pigs, and cows. I was a member of the FFA and know my way around a barn and certain farm equipment. It was one of those towns that if you did something it wouldn’t be long for your parent to hear about it.

I graduated high school in 1997. I looked up the Census data and the population for Whiteland in the 1990s was 2,446.

The estimated population for Whiteland in 2014 is 4,303.

Now let’s look at Fallon, where I currently live.

In 1980 the population was 6,438
In 1990 the population was 7,536
The estimated population for 2014 is 8,349

My husband and I went to a thrift store when he commented that Fallon is bigger than the town he grew up with. And I have to agree Fallon is bigger than the town I grew up in. It’s why I looked up the Census data to see if my assumption was correct and it is.

Fallon has a few more things than the town I grew up in has. Of course Nevada is known for casinos and there are several in this town. There is a Super Walmart, Big 5, Big R (ranch store), and some other things.

I will admit that the population of Fallon is large due to a military presence. TOPGUN was relocated to Fallon. And we honestly wouldn’t be living here if it wasn’t due to the military.

I’ve always rolled my eyes when someone local would tell me that Fallon is a small rural farming community. No darling I grew up in a small rural farming community.

I have found several of the farmers here set in their ways and nonwelcoming. And it is hard to find a job here.

I am struggling finding a way to live here and of course in that struggle and my sociology background looking up the reasons why besides the obvious of Fallon being so isolated.

It’s a half hour to get to Fernley, an hour to get to Carson City or Sparks/Reno. And it’s about 110 miles to get to the next town east, which I haven’t tried to get there.

The City of Fallon is not welcoming to certain things. Just look at Walmart sitting out near the edge of town. My main question I want to know is if the military moved out of Fallon how would Fallon fair? This is a note to those local people who don’t treat new people well. If new people didn’t come how much would the economy in Fallon drop.

Today I can admit that I’m not strong enough.

I probably wasn’t strong enough yesterday but I made it through the day and here I am today.

I might not be strong enough again tomorrow but I’ll take it like the day before. Because I made it through that day to get there.

Because I have hope.

I have hope that one day I won’t have a flashback. I have hope that the triggers that I have that set me off will go away. I have hope that one day I say I don’t have PTSD any more.

Because I have love.

I have love from my husband. I have love from my kids. I have love from my sisters. I have love from my best friend. I have love from my fur babies.

Because I have creativity.

I have creativity with Legos. I have creativity with knitting and crocheting. I have creativity with painting.

So while today I may not feel like I’m strong enough. Tomorrow I may. And I will wait for the day where I will feel strong enough. And that day will be mine.

I have lived in Fallon since September and have come to hate it here.

When my husband was first given orders to Fallon I had misgivings. I knew I’d have to travel to Reno a lot for medical care.

When we first got here. We unpacked and my husband left for school. I was left to get to know Fallon by myself.

I’ve felt so isolated. It wasn’t just about living in small town, being in an isolated duty station. But the people who live in Fallon.

In Fallon 411 on Facebook someone posted a pit bull got onto her property and that she scared the dog off. That owners needed to take care of their animals. And said next time she’d shoot the dog.

I commented how my husky likes to escape. That is what huskies do. And that he’s friendly. He likes to visit the neighbors horses. And maybe that dog was being friendly and she didn’t realize it.

Wow a second person. There were more than that. Several people stated that they would shoot the dog. Any dog if they got on their property.

It’s actually legal here in Fallon that if a dog enters your property and scares your animals you can shoot them. Fallon is a rural farming community.

Sure people have the right to protect their livestock.

But I’ve also seen so many dogs getting loose here. I’ve seen posts of found dogs, missing dogs, and posts of I passed a dog that got ran over. I’ve seen people post they are looking for their dog.

Glenda Sorensen Dockery owns a lot of Fallon Facebook groups. She is the admin and runs them.

Now while I agree people need to be responsible for their pets. I don’t agree about just shooting to kill them. There are other ways. How about you build a fence so dogs and coyotes don’t get in. Coyotes are a problem here.

I messaged this woman and told her my husband and I just moved here. I was a military spouse. And that I had PTSD. That I didn’t appreciate the posting of killing dogs and she should remove it.

I blocked her from messaging me after a while. I can post our whole conversation. But her response to me blocking her…

Yes please tell everyone the type of person I am. I’m the type of person who cares if dogs are killed. I’m the type of person who cares if her dogs get killed.

I use Koda as an emotional support animal. I do not take him places with me. But he knows when a PTSD flare up is about to start and will lay on a leg, so I know to take medicine. I’ve had an episode where I fell and hurt myself, knocked myself unconscious. He broke out of his crate and began licking me. He laid with me until I woke up. I couldn’t get up on my own and he helped me sit up.

I haven’t registered him as a service dog. I haven’t registered him as an emotional support animal. I haven’t taken him to the courses to be qualified to be an emotional support animal. And we can’t afford a service dog. It’s why we got Koda as a puppy and taught him how to do things.

This woman decided to make fun of me and blast me. I can’t view what she said about me, again she runs so many groups.

I was on the fence about living here and now I know I can’t. I can’t live in a place this isolated and small. I can’t live with the way small towns work.

My husband and I have talked about geobatching, where basically he’d live here and I’d go some place where I felt more comfortable, some place safe. Also he hasn’t re-enlist yet, he could always get out.

Now I grew up in a small town. I grew up in the country where everyone knew everyone’s business. But some of the hatred I’ve seen come out of some of the people that live here I can’t blame small town living.

My husband is against me posting this but he understands why. I’ve spent all day crying and being overwhelmed. I’ve relied on what I call my “tic tacs” to calm down. The enjoyment of having PTSD.

I will be asking Fleet and Family for help and hope to hear some options. But living here in this isolated duty station had become too much for me to bear.

In our household we are experiencing the stomach flu. Okay maybe not Koda but he’s cuddling with us.

I awoke at 3 am with what I could only describe as dementors Harry Potter sucking out the contents of my stomach.

I was kind and didn’t wake my husband up until 5 am. And a few hours later he began experiment the joys of the stomach flu.

Let’s just say I’m glad we have two bathrooms. So there was no issues over fighting for the bathroom.

Yesterday I wasn’t feeling to good. A cat was apparently around me. So I had puffy eyes. Yes allergies to cats suck.

I can’t take any allergy medicine because I go in to get allergy tested soon. I would love to swallow a hole box of Sudafed. Okay not really 1 would do lol.

I had a lovely friend join me in the bathroom as I reached the edge towards death.

Brutus who we also call Doby come on look at that face. He would lay his head in my lap. I felt a pic of that wasn’t necessary. So enjoy him smiling by my bed side.

It was truly nice having a furry support person as I was sick.

Currently my face looks like this. Tears streaming down. My body in so much pain. Wishing someone would deliver some Gatorade.

It is hard having us both sick. As I’ve already told my husband have fun with the life insurance policy it truly sucks having the stomach flu. He couldn’t enjoy my wicked humor and he told me to shut up it was with love.

We have declared our bed home base for the day.

Hate being sick.

I’ve already celebrated Channukah.

Happy Holidays everyone.

I got woken up by the husky whine. Which happens a lot. Honestly if I wake up before he wakes me up he looks at me weird.

But sadly he was sick …

I text my husband he’s sick. And then I send him this picture.

He said “Thank goodness for a moment I thought you sent a poop pic”. Yeah honey I can’t wait for you to get home to clean out the crate when one of the dogs get sick.

Every have one of those mornings where you just pick up the sugar container and pour it into your coffee.

That was my morning.

Okay so my sugar container was in the dish washer. Did I want to empty the dishwasher that early, no lol.

Rough mornings are bad.

I was super happy, counting down the days happy, that I would be leaving to visit my husband.

That the visit was around our anniversary.

Being the loving wife I am I packed my car with car parts. Sigh yes the husband needed them.

Excited as I saw the first sign for San Diego. As my car was having issues I couldn’t go faster than 50 mph.

And then I got to see my husband. So happy.  On our anniversary we went to La Jolla.

I’m a beach girl. I love the beach. I love my toes in the sand.

Love walking along the beach. It was a comfortable day.

Went out to cool places to eat.

I was super happy to be in San Diego… and then.

I came home to snow…

My pups were excited for me to pick them up.

And I went back to knitting wishing I was at the beach (double knitted hat for Nick).

I did have an amazing view from the hotel (yes kidding it’s the gas station on base haha).

Had so much fun. Surfers, food, my husband!!!  Yes my husband. To hold him again and to sleep with him again. And how he’d cover me before he left for work. Ahh the little things.

Having your husband being assigned to an isolated duty station you worry about many things. But coming and finding at least a Walmart within 15 minutes of your house is nice.

Until you need something.

Hannukah is around the corner and I need Menorah candles. So I went to Walmart. I walked down aisle after aisle. I then found an associate, someone who works there.

I asked her if there was a Hanukkah section. She said sorry Walmart only carries Christmas items. Then she asked what is Hanukkah.

I said that I am Jewish and we celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas. I explained what a menorah was and that I needed candles to put in the menorah.

She apologized for not knowing. Said she thought she knew a spot. And took me to incense.

That felt like a slap in my face.

There were only a handful of places I could guess in Fallon that would have menorah candles. And I would have thought Walmart would have them. Just a note last year I got them at Target.

Target isn’t in Fallon. Isn’t even in Fernley. I’d have to drive an hour to either Reno or Carson City to get Menorah candles.

I tweeted Walmart and they said to ask my local Walmart to carry Menorahs. I don’t need a menorah. I need the candles to celebrate the holiday.

I felt Walmart shoving Christianity down my throat.

Why do I say that? Several people outside wishing Merry Christmas asking for donations. And Christmas things for sale. But any other religion is left out.

I am disappointed.