Shades of Doubt

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Fifty Shades of Grey is a book written by E. L. James. James has gone on to write two additional books Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed to make up the Fifty Shades trilogy. This trilogy falls into the category of erotic romance.

When it was decided that Fifty Shades of Grey would be turned into a movie I was excited. I wondered who would play Anastacia. My husband actually hoped a certain actress would but was let down when it wasn’t her. I was puzzled when the first Christian Grey dropped out but excited to see who replaced him. I wondered how the sex scenes would play out.

And I read about the controversy. That Fifty Shades of Grey condoned domestic violence.

I am against domestic violence. You see I’ve actually experienced domestic violence. I don’t want to go into the details.

But it puzzled me as to the pieces of the book they chose to prove the book condones domestic violence. But perhaps that is also because I have studied sociology and sexual deviance. I understand about BDSM, and the submissive and dominate relationship that Christian Grey is asking for.

I for one can tell you there are books out there that can be perceived as condoning domestic violence. For one read This Man by Jodi Ellen Malpas. She actually has a trilogy based on This Man. Read The Life of Anna by Marissa Honeycutt, there are several parts to The Life of Anna (I’ve actually pre-ordered the next book).

I am also a writer. I have written several books and am in the process of publishing right now. As a writer I can say I have written from my heart. I have gotten a story in my head and it comes pouring out until the story unfolds to how I want it to unfold.

I would also like to add right now I have read the above books I’ve mentioned and loved reading them. I would also like to state not everything in the world is 100% happy. So why should a writer write about 100% happy things if those things don’t happen in the real world?

I for one am glad E. L. James wrote the Fifty Shades trilogy. I am glad Jodi Ellen Mapas and Marissa Honeycutt wrote their books. I am glad other writers that I have read have written their books. Not just because I love to read. But I’ve fallen into the world they have written about. I’ve let my imagination go and be absorbed into what they have written.

And my world isn’t 100% happy. Struggling with PTSD is hard. I don’t have combat PTSD, something I would like to add. PTSD is not always caused by combat. I have triggers, flashbacks, nightmares… I struggle. And sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that not everything is perfect.

I struggle with the term normal. Okay I’ve struggled with the term normal since my first sociology class. But I especially struggle with the term normal since my first PTSD symptoms started showing up. So when I find a book where everything isn’t 100% happy I am fine with that.

Now again I will say I am 100% against domestic violence. I have spoken up about domestic violence. I have helped people out of domestic violent relationships. I have supported people in domestic violent relationships. I won’t judge if you are in a violent relationship. I won’t judge if you are in a BDSM relationship. I won’t judge if you are LGBT. I won’t judge if you write a book that is controversial…

While you may have doubts about the Fifty Shades of Grey movie I will be going to see it. I am waiting a while after opening weekend so there are less crowds. I can’t wait and I am excited. Oh and one of my friends posted Fifty Shades of Bricks and Lego if you make that movie let me know!!! I will go and watch it, I’ll buy it too!! Hi my name is Elle and I am addicted to Legos.

You know… actually I think I am going to go buy the Fifty Shades of Grey book. My book is an electronic copy and I do not have a hard copy of the book. And I do have the hard copy of the other 2 books in the trilogy.

Hey if you are for Fifty Shades of Grey or against. It’s you’re own choice.

Just remember to read in between the lines…

I think I can, I know I can

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I think I can.
I KNOW I can.

I love to paint. I can’t recall when I really took up painting but it was some time in college.
I became an oil person. I loved oil paint. I loved I could add texture to a painting. Loved the depth in oil. I didn’t like how messy painting in oil could be.

So I switched to acrylic. Depending on what I wanted to paint depended on which paint I used.

Recently I started into watercolors.
Painting helps me relax. I actually get into a painting zone. I will get paint all over me.

If I’m using oil based paints I use foil. I like mixing my oil paints in foil. Acrylic I use a paper plate if I can’t find my palette. I mix both oil and acrylic paints with a tooth pick.

No one ever taught me how to paint. Or how to sketch. Last art class I had was in high school.

I usually just sit down and paint what comes to mind. Like this watercolor.

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I don’t even know if I’m done with it. So it’s waiting.

I wanted to improve on my sketching. I can sketch certain things. Just like I can paint certain things. I’m more talented at painting than drawing.

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Cherry blossoms are my favorite. I used charcoal to sketch this out.

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I was trying to draw my husband and myself. I have some areas to work on. I cannot do faces. So there begins the problem.

I needed an idea for my grandma-in-law’s holiday gift. Well her  cat likes to…

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Made my husband a pre-Valentine gift.

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She will be faceless. He likes it BTW.

My sisters wedding is coming up. What do I get her… I know. I saw this sister thing floating around Facebook. I’ll paint something like that.

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Posted it on Instagram and the other sister wanted one.

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Watercolors dry faster than oil. Hmm should I make me one to go along with theirs?

This is my hidden talent. What is yours?

How Broken is Broke?

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Take 2 plates. Take one of the plates and throw it to the ground. Pick up the broken pieces and put it back together. Does it look the same as the other plate?

You never truly understand broken until you’ve experienced it deeply.

In college I studied biochemistry, quantum chemistry, analytical chemistry, forensic science, and sociology.  I wanted to go to school and become a doctor.

This was my dream growing up. Since the 3rd grade I declared I would become a doctor.

I applied to college and got accepted. About two years later I was accepted into the School of Science. I was going to get a bachelor degree in chemistry and a minor in sociology.

But my heart wasn’t in it. I could sleep through a chemistry class and squeak through with a C without studying. It didn’t capture my mind.

I soon left the School of Science for Liberal Arts. I changed my major from chemistry to sociology. Despite being only 4 classes away from my chemistry degree I went for sociology.  I decided on a minor in chemistry instead.

I had different friends on campus. I was a part of several clubs and in the student body counsel. Through those clubs and counsels I met more friends.

It just so happened a few of them were Veterans. They had come to school with their Vet benefits. I became someone they could talk to.

There were times I would run across campus just to sit with someone and listen to them talk. There were times I grabbed someone and reminded him where he was. It was my first experience with PTSD. Well not truly my father had PTSD but I was limited to his experiences. He hid it from me. But the first time I grabbed a friend and walked him through where we were. That no he wasn’t in a war zone. He wasn’t there being shot at. That was my true exposure to PTSD.

I became trusted. I honored that. I could help many Vets on campus if they needed it. I was someone they could turn to.

With my unique interest in sociology and how I was studying humanistic behavior it gave me a new out look on PTSD. 

Whether it was 10pm at night sitting outside University College having a conversation to help a friend having a flashback. Or noticing when someone had a trigger and I went running to help. I did this for them, and not for me.

I wanted to get my Masters in Sociology. I actually wanted to study sexual deviance. More specifically Transgender people, leaning more towards MTF (Male to Female) transitioning. And gender confusion (raise a child and let them pick their sexual orientation).

Years later when I decided to pursue my passion in photography I held onto pieces of what I was taught. It helped understanding people.

Despite the people I helped, the research I did. That did not prepare me when I began experiencing my PTSD.

When I first began to shut down I turned to Lego mini figures. I decided to lean towards my creative side of my brain. Which is harder to do with PTSD. But those Lego figures helped me. I could take my mind off what was happening to me by creating a story for them.

What I found the most frustrating of this whole experience was therapy for my PTSD. 

I could teach what they were saying. I could give play by play details of what should be said and done. I’ve done each thing that they wanted me to do with someone else I had helped through PTSD. And most importantly I had done it to myself.

I have a magical way to calm my breathing down. Thank you yoga!! I can lower my heart rate and calm myself. Now this isn’t a magical cure but it does help.

Quickly after the event I developed a phobia of people touching me. I actually carried hand sanitizer and would clean any part they touched of me. Even to this day I still have this phobia. When I’m in a crowd I began to freak if people get too close. It can easily trigger me.

I found out quickly what my triggers were. Loud noises startle me, and throws me off. So I’m not happy with fireworks or gun shots. I couldn’t tell you the state of panic I was in when the Seahawks won to go to the Super Bowl. I didn’t watch. But the fireworks made me jump. The 9mm that went off had me curled up in a ball crying. My husband was on duty and I couldn’t get a hold of him. I had to make a decision.

There are certain medicines I take. And certain medicines I am to stay away from. Those medicines can either set me off or make me dependent on them. But I had to reach for a valium. I needed that escape.

Because even though I’m put back together I’m like the plate. There are still cracks. It doesn’t look perfect.

I wish I could say I’m almost there.

A year is approaching. And each day I get stronger. But there isn’t an exact date of this is when my PTSD will stop. That this is when the nightmares will stop. No more flashbacks. No more picturing what happened in my head.

I don’t look broken. I look like myself. But inside I feel broken. I feel broken due to PTSD.  And I don’t know when I’ll be fixed.

In the beginning I used to beg to be fixed. Scream when this would all be over.

The saying “if it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger” makes me want to scream.
The saying “G-d will not give you anything more than you can handle” made me question Him. For how could He do this to me.

Thanks for reading my blog.  Thanks for reading my outlet. Thanks for letting me share my story of PTSD.

I will be expanding on a few things mentioned in this post.

Up to Date

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“Are your vaccines up to date?”

That was question stumped me. It was a question that for me came out of left field. Because I haven’t been asked that question in some time.

My husband has soft orders for location X. Location X requires a screening. I went to said screening, which you have to love the military how they don’t tell you there are two parts until you are there. And I was asked if I was up to date on my shots.

Now I won’t disclose the location of soft orders. Because we don’t know if 100% if we are going there. But it is in the United States.

What vaccines are required in the United States?
Well… I needed to have the Measles, Mumps, Rubella, Polio, and Tetanus-diptheria.

Now while there is a debate about vaccines and if they are safe for children. I won’t go there in this blog post. But my vaccine record resides with my childhood doctor, who no longer practices any longer. So I would of had to jump through hoops to get my vaccine record. Luckily there is a test to see if you have the immunity to certain things. It just so happens that Polio can’t be detected.

Now honestly I’ve probably had the Polio vaccine. I know I haven’t had Polio. I am thankful I haven’t had Polio. It is a truly terrible disease that can cause paralysis. But since I couldn’t prove that I’ve that the Polio vaccine… I had an update.

And I also had some blood drawn to see if I’m immune to Measles, Mumps, and Rubella. Now I’ve had my Tetanus-diptheria in 2012 or so, so I know I’m good there.

When I went to get blood drawn I was told that a lot of people have come in to see if they are immune to Measles. A Measles outbreak has occurred in our area, in many areas. Again this is why I don’t want to get into the whole should you vaccine your child debate. Now I am personally for vaccines. So if I need to get the shots I will.

What would you do though if asked if you were up to date on your shots? You’re well into adulthood and you haven’t thought about this in years. I mean your parents were the ones that started the vaccines or didn’t. But would you pause to think or be 100% positive with your answer?

Okay well I am done with part 1 of this screening. Part 2 is around the corner. To good health!

Exercise!

Elle1 Comment

Dealing with PTSD can be hard. It is easy to slip into depression.

I used to watch the Today Show a lot and knew of Jenna Wolfe’s exercising. But since moving to Washington I have stopped watching the Today Show. Sorry! With the time difference I find I miss a lot, DVRing it I ended up not watching it. So I just stopped because it wasn’t the same as when I was on the East Coast.

I follow along with the Today Show though. In which I saw Jenna Wolfe exercising at 9 months pregnant and jumping around like it was nothing. And I just thought. If she can do that at 9 months pregnant, really what is my excuse?

I’ve let myself gain some weight. It’s only been 5 pounds but sometimes those 5 pounds can feel like 50.
I have some key areas I want to target. I found this:

30-day-ab-challenge-2Thank you Blogilates for your workout plans. I decided to do the 30 day Flat Abs Challenge.

Now I told my husband I was going to start exercising. He said he wanted to join in with me. I left out this challenge part, well because I’m not sure if he’ll do it. Yeah we will go to the gym together. But honestly I’m not about to do the roll-ups with him because IT WAS HARD!! No joke. I’d rather do these alone and not feel embarrassed.

I started Day 1 today.

Besides the roll-ups the next struggle was the water consumption.
I happen to be the type of person that when I hear water, see water… etc I have to PEE. I can actually get dehydrated quickly if I drink too much water. Because I’m not kidding when I say I have to GO. When I’m doing dishes after a certain period of time I have to run to the bathroom.

I’ve spoken to doctors about this and it’s actually pretty common.

I’ve learned to work around it. Instead of drinking water I’ll make diluted tea (with just a hint of tea, mainly water). So I taste something else than water. It helps and I don’t have to rush off just as quickly to the bathroom. (I do have kidney issues and I’ll discuss that later).

But with this challenge I wanted to give it my all. So instead of filling my Camelbak Eddy with diluted tea I went for water. And I’m giving this a go. Water be nice to me 😉

I’ll update you with my progress… and if I will ever get around to doing them in front of anyone lol.

Maybe a Tad too Much

Elle2 Comments

I have a confession to make.
For the past week I’ve been overdosing.

Being in Washington state is awesome except for one thing…

There is a distinct lack of sun.

So we’ve been taking Vitamin D supplements.

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The container on the left is my husband’s. And I bought the one on the right.

Now my husband started taking Vitamin D after being tested by the Navy. He was put on Vitamin D supplements.

I’ve take calcium supplements because I’m lactose intolerant. So after the summer I decided to start taking Vitamin D.

Now I found the 2000IU at Target. So I thought awesome I’ll just take 2 which would be 4000IU.

I’ve been taking 2 for a while… except for this week. You see this week I had a brain fart.

I thought the bottle said 1000IU so I started taking 4.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,  Thursday, and then on Friday I look at the bottle after taking 4 pills and I realize my mistake.

My husband comes home and I tell him I’ve been overdosing on Vitamin D and explain and he laughs. Then says “well now I know why you’ve been so chipper this week”.

I’ve had 8000IU of Vitamin D for the past few days. Now for the record the recommended highest dosage of Vitamin D is 4000IU a day.

Because we live in Washington state with overcast I went with the highest recommended dosage. It’s helped. I’ve seen a difference.

Now laugh at my mistake. Brain fart FTW!

Support

ElleLeave a comment

SBEFlower

In a blink of an eye things can change. One minute things can seem fine and the next they aren’t. That is life.

One thing I am grateful for is the support of my husband. That after the “event” he took care of me. Even before he knew what happened he knew something had happened. He held onto me during my weakest moments and listened when I finally explained. It was hard. Not just for me but for him.

Due to the shock to my system my body couldn’t handle it. As I previously stated I shook, I had tremors. My whole entire body.
It was hard for me to walk. My husband would walk behind me with his arms under mine. If I needed his support all I had to do was lean back. He would whisper in my ear that things would be alright. He would remind me he was there.

I guess I could best describe it as Parkinson’s. My head would shake, my arms would shake, my legs… like I said my whole body. I couldn’t control it. If I tried to fight it I would be in so much pain. It got to the point my speech was being effected. I had troubles talking.

I was told I had damage to my myelin and it would take some time to heal. Patience… everything I’m not.

I went on medications. Taking medicine every so many hours just to control the tremors.

The only place I felt safe was at home. Whenever I went out people would stare. It was truly hard for me.

But the one person I had, the one person who never left, my loving husband. Whenever I needed him, he was there. He would hold my hand, stroke my hair, comfort me, love me… be my all.

If I didn’t have support I don’t know where I would be. I had several people step forward and promise me I could count on them. Those people who I don’t want to list THANK YOU for your support. I needed a system, a network, a safe place.

I had to struggle to begin to put my life back together. I had to struggle to feel safe.

And without the support of those who cared for me I wouldn’t have been able to do it.

So from the bottom of my heart THANKS!

Welcome

ElleLeave a comment

Hello! This is my first blog post.

I decided to create the blog Simply Being Elle due to my struggle with PTSD.

I didn’t always go by Elle. But after what I will refer to as the “event” (the event that caused my PTSD) I felt lost. I felt that pieces of me were missing. I didn’t feel complete. I wondered who I was. I was scared that I lost a part of me. I was broken.

After the “event” I was broken. I was pushed over the edge to where my body could no longer handle it. I struggled with walking. Doctors told me that I had myelin (the thing that insulates your nerves) damage. The damage was done in partial due to the “event”.

I shook. There is no true way to define it. I struggled walking due to the tremors. My husband had to walk behind me to help me. Because I refused a wheelchair. There were certain things I wouldn’t let the “event” take from me. For example I had to sign my signature. And despite the pain I would fight off the tremors so I could sign my name as neatly as I could.

My head would shake as well. One person told me I was a bobble head. I learned very quickly not to let others see you cry. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. It was very painful for me. But despite the internal pain I had to also deal with the emotional pain of how others saw me.

I want to say it is hard to remember the broken shell I was left in.

But often my PTSD flares up. I still have tremors but they are not as bad. Thank goodness for medicine. The nightmares and flashbacks are something I live with every day.

I survived what happened to me the best way I did. I fought. But in that fight something inside of me changed.

I can’t say whether it’s good or bad. But I walked away as Elle.

I simply want to be Elle, the survivor of PTSD. Not the victim, not the broken shell. But the woman who I am today.

This blog will be about me. I am unsure if I ever will talk about the “event” and right now I will just leave it at that.

If you have PTSD you are not alone.

I thank my friends and family for their support. For understanding that I need to be Elle. For letting me hide the broken part of me because I didn’t want them to see. I was afraid to show how much the “event” changed me. But I’m glad I’m Elle now. I wouldn’t change it for the world.