Hello! This is my first blog post.
I decided to create the blog Simply Being Elle due to my struggle with PTSD.
I didn’t always go by Elle. But after what I will refer to as the “event” (the event that caused my PTSD) I felt lost. I felt that pieces of me were missing. I didn’t feel complete. I wondered who I was. I was scared that I lost a part of me. I was broken.
After the “event” I was broken. I was pushed over the edge to where my body could no longer handle it. I struggled with walking. Doctors told me that I had myelin (the thing that insulates your nerves) damage. The damage was done in partial due to the “event”.
I shook. There is no true way to define it. I struggled walking due to the tremors. My husband had to walk behind me to help me. Because I refused a wheelchair. There were certain things I wouldn’t let the “event” take from me. For example I had to sign my signature. And despite the pain I would fight off the tremors so I could sign my name as neatly as I could.
My head would shake as well. One person told me I was a bobble head. I learned very quickly not to let others see you cry. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. It was very painful for me. But despite the internal pain I had to also deal with the emotional pain of how others saw me.
I want to say it is hard to remember the broken shell I was left in.
But often my PTSD flares up. I still have tremors but they are not as bad. Thank goodness for medicine. The nightmares and flashbacks are something I live with every day.
I survived what happened to me the best way I did. I fought. But in that fight something inside of me changed.
I can’t say whether it’s good or bad. But I walked away as Elle.
I simply want to be Elle, the survivor of PTSD. Not the victim, not the broken shell. But the woman who I am today.
This blog will be about me. I am unsure if I ever will talk about the “event” and right now I will just leave it at that.
If you have PTSD you are not alone.
I thank my friends and family for their support. For understanding that I need to be Elle. For letting me hide the broken part of me because I didn’t want them to see. I was afraid to show how much the “event” changed me. But I’m glad I’m Elle now. I wouldn’t change it for the world.