“I am most certainly back to anger. There are people I want to yell at. People I want to ask why you didn’t help me when I asked for help because if you had I wouldn’t have been hurt in the first place. There are people I want to slap for putting me in the position of getting hurt. People I want to scream at for not listening to me once I was hurt. People I want to lecture for making fun of my shaking and other PTSD symptoms. There are people I want to pay for the hurt and suffering I am going through.” Elle March 27, 2014
I was sexually assaulted at a MTF (military treatment facility). Someplace I thought that I would be safe and wasn’t.
I was sexually assaulted by a HM in the Navy during a medical procedure.
What should have been a procedure turned into torture and sexual assault.
When I was telling the Victim’s Advocate in detail about what happened. I was told that a prisoner of war is treated better than I was. And that I had the worst case of PTSD that this advocate had seen his entire career, and the advocate had seen people straight from war zones.
It was said part of my PTSD symptoms were due to mylein being damaged. I was never tested so I am unsure if my mylein was damaged. But what I did find out was that tremors are a part of my PTSD symptoms.
I shake (tremors). I was once told I looked like a bobble head
yeah I cried that is how bad I shook. It was like I had Parkinson’s disease. The shaking got so bad that I had trouble walking and sometimes would collapse.
My speech was limited. It was hard for me to talk. If I fought the shaking it hurt and you could hear the tremors in my voice. It was hard for me to get each word out. I struggled. I could tell people were frustrated but tried not to show it.
Walking was hard. My husband had to walk behind me supporting me. He would hold his arms under mine so when my body gave out he could catch me. And I could always lean back against him when I couldn’t take the pain any more. Because yes the tremors caused me so much pain. Pain if I fought it, pain if I let it take over my body.
I went through medicine change after medicine change. Partly to control the tremors. But also to control the flashbacks and nightmares.
When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I was told that I might not ever recover. That is that I might always have PTSD.
After the first initial months after my official diagnoses I went through the stages of grief. I always found myself going back to anger. I was angry that this could happen to me. Angry that because I wasn’t raped there wasn’t enough evidence at what happened to me. Pictures of bruises and other evidence wasn’t enough.
My main worry was that this HM would do this again. That this HM would rape someone if given the opportunity.
It took me a long time to trust someone in a uniform again. I didn’t automatically look at them and think I was safe. I actually began to fear the uniform and it became a trigger. Which thankfully didn’t last long
my husband wears the same camo.
I created this blog due to my struggle with PTSD. I live each day with PTSD. I’ve had to learn how to do things over again. So I created this blog because I ended up finding out that it’s okay to have PTSD.
I am grateful to have the support team that I do. Grateful for the people in my life I can lean on for support. Grateful for my husband who was there for me when I needed him the most.
If you would like to share your PTSD story please email it to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will publish it. I don’t think anyone should hide that you have PTSD. But it takes YOU to say you have PTSD.
The bruises are gone but the emotional scars are still there.
My name is Elle and I have PTSD.