I need you now

I could feel myself begin to shake. My medicine was downstairs.
I made my way downstairs, holding on tight to the railing so I wouldn’t fall.
I turned and that is when my body gave out.

PTSD won…

I remember falling and then nothing. Surrounded in darkness I just slipped away.
A few times I opened my eyes and felt a wet tongue glide across my skin.

Our husky escaped from his crate and was there next to me.

His soft kisses bringing me back from the darkness.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and he helped me sit up.

I have no idea how long I was out. By the time the darkness left I was left sore and bruised. I thanked the dog for helping me. Something he’s done since he was a pup. He’s been there for me and lets me know when the darkness is coming. He’s more aware of my PTSD than I am.

Ice has been my friend. I have a nice baseball size bruise on my arm, stiff neck and shoulders.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a flare up of my PTSD this bad. I’d been so proud handling my PTSD. But that’s the thing with PTSD. Out of the blue it can knock you on your butt, and in my case literally.

My husband is away. So I wrote him a message to let him know what happened. To let him know I need him.

I need his arms around me telling me everything will be okay. To tell me I’m safe.

Kisses on my bruises and a good rub down.

Two steps forward and one step back. Struggling every day living with PTSD. Something I won’t let get me down.

Advertisements

PTSD, my story

“I am most certainly back to anger. There are people I want to yell at. People I want to ask why you didn’t help me when I asked for help because if you had I wouldn’t have been hurt in the first place. There are people I want to slap for putting me in the position of getting hurt. People I want to scream at for not listening to me once I was hurt. People I want to lecture for making fun of my shaking and other PTSD symptoms. There are people I want to pay for the hurt and suffering I am going through.”  Elle March 27, 2014

I was sexually assaulted at a MTF (military treatment facility). Someplace I thought that I would be safe and wasn’t.

I was sexually assaulted by a HM in the Navy during a medical procedure.
What should have been a procedure turned into torture and sexual assault.

When I was telling the Victim’s Advocate in detail about what happened. I was told that a prisoner of war is treated better than I was. And that I had the worst case of PTSD that this advocate had seen his entire career, and the advocate had seen people straight from war zones.

It was said part of my PTSD symptoms were due to mylein being damaged. I was never tested so I am unsure if my mylein was damaged. But what I did find out was that tremors are a part of my PTSD symptoms.

I shake (tremors). I was once told I looked like a bobble head yeah I cried that is how bad I shook. It was like I had Parkinson’s disease. The shaking got so bad that I had trouble walking and sometimes would collapse.

My speech was limited. It was hard for me to talk. If I fought the shaking it hurt and you could hear the tremors in my voice. It was hard for me to get each word out. I struggled. I could tell people were frustrated but tried not to show it.

Walking was hard. My husband had to walk behind me supporting me. He would hold his arms under mine so when my body gave out he could catch me. And I could always lean back against him when I couldn’t take the pain any more. Because yes the tremors caused me so much pain. Pain if I fought it, pain if I let it take over my body.

I went through medicine change after medicine change. Partly to control the tremors. But also to control the flashbacks and nightmares.

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD I was told that I might not ever recover. That is that I might always have PTSD.

After the first initial months after my official diagnoses I went through the stages of grief. I always found myself going back to anger. I was angry that this could happen to me. Angry that because I wasn’t raped there wasn’t enough evidence at what happened to me. Pictures of bruises and other evidence wasn’t enough.

My main worry was that this HM would do this again. That this HM would rape someone if given the opportunity.

It took me a long time to trust someone in a uniform again. I didn’t automatically look at them and think I was safe. I actually began to fear the uniform and it became a trigger. Which thankfully didn’t last long my husband wears the same camo.

I created this blog due to my struggle with PTSD. I live each day with PTSD. I’ve had to learn how to do things over again. So I created this blog because I ended up finding out that it’s okay to have PTSD.

I am grateful to have the support team that I do. Grateful for the people in my life I can lean on for support. Grateful for my husband who was there for me when I needed him the most.

If you would like to share your PTSD story please email it to simplybeingelle@gmail.com and I will publish it. I don’t think anyone should hide that you have PTSD. But it takes YOU to say you have PTSD.

wpid-2015-04-06-19.41.20.png.pngwpid-2015-04-06-19.40.54.png.pngThe bruises are gone but the emotional scars are still there.

My name is Elle and I have PTSD.

Support

SBEFlower

In a blink of an eye things can change. One minute things can seem fine and the next they aren’t. That is life.

One thing I am grateful for is the support of my husband. That after the “event” he took care of me. Even before he knew what happened he knew something had happened. He held onto me during my weakest moments and listened when I finally explained. It was hard. Not just for me but for him.

Due to the shock to my system my body couldn’t handle it. As I previously stated I shook, I had tremors. My whole entire body.
It was hard for me to walk. My husband would walk behind me with his arms under mine. If I needed his support all I had to do was lean back. He would whisper in my ear that things would be alright. He would remind me he was there.

I guess I could best describe it as Parkinson’s. My head would shake, my arms would shake, my legs… like I said my whole body. I couldn’t control it. If I tried to fight it I would be in so much pain. It got to the point my speech was being effected. I had troubles talking.

I was told I had damage to my myelin and it would take some time to heal. Patience… everything I’m not.

I went on medications. Taking medicine every so many hours just to control the tremors.

The only place I felt safe was at home. Whenever I went out people would stare. It was truly hard for me.

But the one person I had, the one person who never left, my loving husband. Whenever I needed him, he was there. He would hold my hand, stroke my hair, comfort me, love me… be my all.

If I didn’t have support I don’t know where I would be. I had several people step forward and promise me I could count on them. Those people who I don’t want to list THANK YOU for your support. I needed a system, a network, a safe place.

I had to struggle to begin to put my life back together. I had to struggle to feel safe.

And without the support of those who cared for me I wouldn’t have been able to do it.

So from the bottom of my heart THANKS!

Welcome

Hello! This is my first blog post.

I decided to create the blog Simply Being Elle due to my struggle with PTSD.

I didn’t always go by Elle. But after what I will refer to as the “event” (the event that caused my PTSD) I felt lost. I felt that pieces of me were missing. I didn’t feel complete. I wondered who I was. I was scared that I lost a part of me. I was broken.

After the “event” I was broken. I was pushed over the edge to where my body could no longer handle it. I struggled with walking. Doctors told me that I had myelin (the thing that insulates your nerves) damage. The damage was done in partial due to the “event”.

I shook. There is no true way to define it. I struggled walking due to the tremors. My husband had to walk behind me to help me. Because I refused a wheelchair. There were certain things I wouldn’t let the “event” take from me. For example I had to sign my signature. And despite the pain I would fight off the tremors so I could sign my name as neatly as I could.

My head would shake as well. One person told me I was a bobble head. I learned very quickly not to let others see you cry. I couldn’t explain what was happening to me. It was very painful for me. But despite the internal pain I had to also deal with the emotional pain of how others saw me.

I want to say it is hard to remember the broken shell I was left in.

But often my PTSD flares up. I still have tremors but they are not as bad. Thank goodness for medicine. The nightmares and flashbacks are something I live with every day.

I survived what happened to me the best way I did. I fought. But in that fight something inside of me changed.

I can’t say whether it’s good or bad. But I walked away as Elle.

I simply want to be Elle, the survivor of PTSD. Not the victim, not the broken shell. But the woman who I am today.

This blog will be about me. I am unsure if I ever will talk about the “event” and right now I will just leave it at that.

If you have PTSD you are not alone.

I thank my friends and family for their support. For understanding that I need to be Elle. For letting me hide the broken part of me because I didn’t want them to see. I was afraid to show how much the “event” changed me. But I’m glad I’m Elle now. I wouldn’t change it for the world.