I had decided to take a break from news.
I was tired of all the political talk. 

I normally check the CNN website every day and I have a local news station send me email alerts. When I decided to take the break I stopped checking CNN and local news. I skipped over shared news feeds in my Facebook. I just wanted a break.

And then Charlottesville, Virginia happened. 

I am an Asian American Jewish woman. 
I grew up being made fun of the fact that I wasn’t 100% white. I was told often to “go back where you came from” even though I was born in the town south of where I grew up. And I had lived in the town longer than the person telling me to go back where I came from. 
I began coverting to Judaism when I was 16. I grew up going to a Sourthern Baptist Church. I followed my heart and converted to a religion I love and respect. 

And then to hear Trumps remarks about what happened. 

…

“I reject the support of white supremacist. The country that defeated Hilter’s armies is no place for Nazi flags. The party of Lincoln won’t stand with those who carry the battle flag of the failed Confederacy.” ~Schwarzenegger 

So tell me how is this making American great again?

“Are you feeling okay?”

Simple question. Right?

Until your husband asks you… while you’re at the grocery store. 

“Umm why?”

“You’re not happy.”

Thinks for a minute…

“I didn’t have coffee this morning.”

“Are we out?” Heads to coffee aisle. “We can get you more.”

Laughs because we had coffee. I just forgot to make it lol

I grew up learning to knit and crochet. Something my mother first taught me but as I grew older my branching out taught me more. 

One of my favorites is this fairy jacket I made. 

I did crochet this bikini. But I haven’t worn it. It’s from Ashley Page’s book.

I saw this pattern and decided to try it. It’s a nice vest. 

If I get my yarn from online I have to roll it myself. So much fun (sarcasm).

Recently I’ve ordered some more to finish a vest I’m crocheting. I love these added pieces to my wardrobe. 

When I first heard about what happened to the USS Fitzgerald, I went to my husband. I sat the tablet down in front of him. I said the CO was helicopter off and 7 were missing. 

“They are dead,” my husband said.

I began to pray for their families. I had a silver of hope that maybe they’d find them standing in water. But my husband who has been on 2 ships said: it was the corner birthing. It holds 9. I bet you those who were top side river were grateful for their watch. He pointed where the CO was. And you knew why he was hurt.

As the names were released my prayers changed. It changed to those ~100 others that were there at 1am. Those who got out. Those who tried to save those. To those who right now have scenarios running through their head about how they could have saved 7 of their friends. 

I’m going to guess it was the corner bunk. 9 people bunk. Were the 2 others on watch. Did they get out? What is running through their minds. 

PTSD, survivor guilt, etc.

And the CO will be fired. Yes he was hurt. But you have to place blame somewhere. People will be fired. New drills will be made. A safety video, training, etc so if this happens again maybe no one would die.

To the 300 on that ship my prayers are with you.

“She is brace, she is strong. She will get up whenever she falls. She knows herself inside and out. And though she may taxes changelles she will face them with courage and hope. And although she be but little, she is fierce.”

“A gentle reminder to stand up for your life and to never give up. Remember that you are worthy, you are loved. Know that nothing lasts forever and this too will pass. Keep going, your story is not over yet.”

Two bracelets I bought through Mantra Band.

10 years ago today my father died. 

I’d like to think he passed peacefully. That he wasn’t in any pain. That he knew I was with him in spirit even though I was miles away. 

When I last saw him he was already in a coma. Given medicine to make it easier as everything in his body was failing. He had prostated cancer. He got sick. That sickness turned into sepsis. One by one his body organs began to shut down.

I did the only thing I could do. I placed a DNR on him. The plan was to drive out there and unplug him from live support. 

I had several thoughts of what to do when my father got sick. I am the youngest of 3 siblings and for some reason the responsibility landed on me. I do not blame my sisters for what happened. I don’t blame them for laying the decision on me. 

You see I found it easier to take the blame. Blame it on me that our father died. 

I was the one that placed the DNR on him. I had spoke to his doctors and they knew that I was going to drive out there to sign the paperwork to take him off life support. But my father had other plans. His heart gave out. We all knew it was coming. If memory serves me correct it was beating around 25bmp all day. 

I didn’t want my father to suffer. I didn’t want him in pain. I didn’t need a professional to tell my my father was brain dead. I had seen his oxygen saturation drop below 60%. Hell one time it was in the 40%. The father I once knew was gone and he would never be back. 

10 years is a lot of time. I wonder what I’ll be doing in 20 years, 30, 40… But one thing I will always know is that I miss my father.

Have you seen this article?

http://www.ptsdjournal.com/posts/you-can-get-ptsd-from-staying-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/

I’ve been feeling a little off lately. So I decided to go to the doctor and get some stuff checked out.

Turns out I am low on B12 and I have a tad bit too much serotonin in my system.

About 3 years ago I began taking Lexapro. It helped with a lot of the PTSD symptoms I have been having. About a year and a half ago I had to up the dose of Lexapro. In doing so it relieved a lot of my PTSD. But in upping my Lexapro it came at a cost.

I have Serotonin Syndrome. I have too much serotonin in my body. It can happen if you take an SSRIs, which Lexapro is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor).

So I get the lovely joy of adjusting my PTSD medicine again.

I am lowering the dosage of Lexapro to reduce the level of serotonin in my body. Because having too much serotonin can be lethal.

I wasn’t really shocked I was low in B12 as I have a sister who is low too. So I have to make my way back to the doctors again and figure out how to get more B12. You can take pills or get injections. B12 is not produced in your body so you have to get it eating things.

Another day in my life, sigh!

My oldest who is an adult asked me to take him to Seaport Village. So I said yes. He’s visiting us.

We were walking around. Passing one bridge over an area of the water. 

I saw a mama duck with ducklings. Pointed them out. As we once had ducks. 

My oldest asked if the mama duck was drowning one of her babies. I said I think she’s cleaning it. 

I walked past it but my oldest said come back. I looked into the water and saw the duckling dead. Just floating around face down. 

I will assume someone touched the duckling.

I watched 2 males attacking the mom. The other ducklings came over. The dead ducklings just sitting there. 

I watched the people who were watching the ducklings. Did they realize they just witnessed a murder? Did one of them touch the duckling. I mean why did a mama duck murdered her baby?

Basically when a mama ducks kills a duckling is because she considers an intruder. So why did this mama see this baby as an intruder?

It’s hard to grasp wildlife. 

We had ducks as one duty station.  We had 2 cayuga ducks, 3 Pekins, and 1 mallard ducks.

We got ducklings at separate times. Having to introduce them. We got the Pekins first. Then got the cayuga and mallard ducklings later. Had to introduce them. And yes the Pekins attacked them as intruders. We had to teach them they are family. It took some time.

The mallard duck mama killed her baby. Wildlife is hard. You never know what wildlife will do.