The thing about PTSD is well…
Did you know that?
I have PTSD. I wish I could describe to you what it’s like having PTSD. By that I mean I wish I could generalize it. I wish it fell under an umbrella. Kinda like other disorders. But PTSD doesn’t.
Each person that has PTSD doesn’t follow some text book definition of it.
Shaking is a huge part of my PTSD. When a trigger, flashback, or hey it just felt like it occurs I shake. I actually shake so bad that I wonder if I have Parkinson. But I don’t have Parkinson. I have PTSD.
When I experienced the trauma that caused my PTSD doctors said that the trauma was enough to cause myelin damage. Damage to my nervous system.
It was hard for me to walk, hard for me to talk, I couldn’t hold my head still. I shook that bad. I couldn’t stop it. Well I tried and the pain was so great. People would stare. One person said I looked like a bobble head. Hey I never forgot, it has stayed with me.
Some days I can’t get out of bed. Not that I don’t want to. I’m afraid to get out of bed. I’m shaking so bad I’m afraid I’ll fall. And I know I will. I’ve tried to get out of bed before while shaking and I hit the ground. I’m stuck there for a while.
It’s scary. I’m alone. I’m afraid. And I’m on the ground shaking. And I just have to wait for it to pass.
Someone once told me to just get over it. Well you wouldn’t say that to someone with cancer. “Hey buddy I get you have cancer but just get over it”.
I’ve tried to think of the worst things I’ve been told.
1. Are you sure you’re on the right medicine?
-When we PCS and I had to get a new psychiatrist I was asked what meds I was on and if they worked. And my psychiatrist (you know the person that went to medical school) said he didn’t want to touch my medicines. I was fine. And it’s hard for someone who has PTSD to be regulated with medicine.
2. Just shake it off.
– yes I too enjoy Taylor Swifts song but I can’t shake it off. It isn’t a mole that I can go in and have removed. I can’t just shake it off. I wish I could.
3. I wish you were the person you were before…
-that one hurts. I can’t apologize for changing cause I didn’t purposely do it. I’m reacting to something that was done to me.
4. Yesterday you were fine
-a lot of things happened yesterday. And a lot of things will happen today, even more tomorrow. Did it make you uncomfortable to witness a flashback or trigger? Think how it makes me feel.
I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to fight this. I need you to respect that. I need you to respect me.
I have PTSD. I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor.